I had a lot of ideas for the title of this article, but most of them were a little bit too sassy and that would not serve this article at all. Some of my favorites were “St8 People Need to Learn How to Talk to Gay People” or “No Hetero is the New No Homo” or like “Do Str8 People Realize How Offensive Some of Their Statements and Questions Are?” But then I remembered no one likes being talked at. Specially straight people. Just kidding I swear I’ll be nice. Everyone likes Buzzfeed-type lists though, right?
This is all based on years of experience, television, and things I hear from friends and other random people, but mostly from television. Also I’m sure there’s a YouTube video about this. Also I’m sure that most straight people have good intentions, but that isn’t really enough.
1. You’re Pretty Cool for a Gay Dude/Lesbian Girl.
The person that says this may sound like they know a lot of gay people, but don’t be fooled! There is a 100% chance that the straight person saying this only knows like one or two gay people tops, and vaguely at best. That gay person they know is probably either the stereotype x 100 or weird, obnoxious and annoying? idk. Just so everyone knows, this is not an actual compliment. Gay people don’t go around saying “you’re pretty cool for a heterosexual!” Unless, of course, you are. Because some straight people don’t think we deserve equal rights.
2a. I’m ‘Okay’ With Gay People
Oh, really? Are you? Thank God. I seriously could not go to bed last night just thinking of all the straight people that aren’t okay with gay people. One less breeder to worry about! There are more pressing matters in my life right now, ok? I am still not caught up on Mad Men or Game of Thrones and more than half of the bananas I bought are already brown.
2b. I’m Just Not ‘Okay’ With Their Lifestyle
UGH. I swear people are just projecting 97% of the time…
3. No Homo
No one thought you were a homo until you brought attention to the possibility of you being a homo. People who are super confident with their sexuality should’t excuse their statements and acts of affection (like two bros hugging) with the phrase “no homo.” What’s the point? Does anyone actually think this increases heterosexuality by the nth degree? It’s just weird. Gay people don’t hug the opposite sex and yell “NO HETERO. I DON’T WANT TO GET PREGNANT!”
4. That’s Gay
If you mean to imply that gay is synonym with stupid then you are stupid. Let’s not use sexual orientations as derogatory terms because, frankly, they aren’t and all it does is make you look very ignorant.
5. The Bible Says Marriage is Between a Man and a Woman
I know. But what do YOU think? Are you your own agent or do you need a larger school of thought to guide your thoughts and every day decisions? The book was written like more than 2000 years ago. It’s not fair for you to watch an old horror movie and laugh at the special effects and then read an old ass book and not laugh at their vernacular and outdated ‘world view.’
6. How Can You Be Sure You’re Gay?
I don’t know. How can you be sure that you’re Straight? When did you choose? And did you even? Or did you… just know.
7. Would You Ever Go for the Opposite Sex?
Why? Are you interested? Because I only like caviar and you smell like tilapia. I guess this one is just kind of personal. Idk I guess if like a friend is asking you then it’s okay. Or if it’s a hot person. Hot people get away with everything. Also I’ve been reading a lot about sexuality being more on the grayscale than either black or white. It really just comes down to hotness.
8. Would You Go Shopping With Me?
Oh hell no, bitch! I haven’t been to a Forever 21 in ages and trust me I do not want to go back. I’m pretty sure everything you’re gonna like is hideous and everything I’m gonna like is going to be either too ‘out there,’ too pricey or just not you. You’re not the first person to ask me to go shopping and, really, only my mom is allowed to do that. She listens to me and looks fabulous for it.
9. Would You Go Shopping For Me?
Fine. But I have a fee and you follow my rules:
- Pay me upfront.
- Budget accordingly. I will look at some sale racks for you but please help me help you.
- Don’t tell me you hate it. Do your own returns and…
- Only call me back if you’re 100% satisfied. Otherwise I know you just have bad taste.
10a. So, Who is the Boy and Who is the Girl?
Bitch don’t you see that it’s either two boys or two girls when it comes to gay people? They’re either both the boy or both the girl. That’s what makes gay people gay. Stop asking stupid shit.
10b. So, Who is the Top and Who is the Bottom?
Now is it just me or do straight people think about gay sex more than they probably should? Stop trying to picture me and my partner in different positions! If I wanted you to know I’d make a sex tape and ‘accidentally’ leak it.
Big shout out and thank you to all the heteros out there that are and have been allies and don’t feel the need to ask stupid questions and believe in love! YOU ROCK!