Hooking up is a beautiful thing. If you get really into it, you can learn a lot about your own sexuality and personal preferences. As most of you might know, there’s like a million geosocial networking mobile apps out there that help you find potential hookups. If you really didn’t know yet, welcome to the future. Grindr, the gay Tindr, pretty much functions like cruising or speed-dating from your couch, which means that instead of actual face-to-face rejection, all you get is blocked or just no response at all. It’s cool because it requires ~*minimum*~ effort and you get full access to a user-generated catalog of all the guys that are DTF in the surrounding areas. It sucks because boys are dumb and boys sometimes say and do dumb boy stuff like:
DISCLAIMER: This post is not autobiographical. I do not claim to have experienced all of the things that exist in gay dating. But guess what? I have gay friends, I read the news, and I consume pop culture. I can make connections because I am a writer and I am creative. You do not know me, and I do not know you. So, don’t take this personal and just have fun reading. Feel free to comment below!
1. Hide Behind a Headless Torso
For some odd reason, roughly 30% of the guys who actually have a photo on their profile only post mirror shots of their headless torsos. Why would you want to be judged based solely on your mid-region? Like, I’m not even sure what that’s supposed to say about you. I’m glad you work out, dude, but does this have to be the first message you send out into the universe? I want to see your face.
2. Not Post a Picture at All
This one is even more aggravating. Not having a photo at all is dumb. Bye! You know people are going to ask to see a photo. You know eventually you’ll have to show your face. Why are you making it extra hard to access this information?
I guess there’s no good way to tell when someone is lying on Grindr or being genuine, but there are just so many things a guy could lie to you about. Posting an old picture is a form of lying if you recently gained weight or got a face tattoo. Claiming to be ‘hung’ and then not being hung at all is like the worst lie. Not really knowing for sure when was the last time you got tested is, like, super scary. Did you know some people don’t even know their status at all? Do you ever think about that? Some guys lie about being fully versatile, but when it comes down to it they’re actually super bottoms. Some people claim to be models and artists. Lies. Lies. LIES!
Listen, we’re all here looking for the same thing here- dick. You probably have one too, bro, and that’s okay. Homosexuality is a very common thing in animal biology, and there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Your penis will not disappear if you happen to like other dudes, bro. Promise! Guys who plaster the “masc” label on their profile are probably super insecure. They cannot surround themselves with guys who are effeminate, or who aren’t the archetypal Adonis, because “they’re just not into the scene.” Those men probably never took a gender studies class in college. They’ve got a long way to go in their journey of enlightenment, so it’s better to stay away.
5. Hating on Fems, Fats and Freaks
If you have a problem with queerness and the diversity of our community, you need to get the fuck out of this universe. Hateful speech does not advance our society, and using it to filter out ‘the unwanted’ is absolutely repulsive. It’s not a preference, it’s hate. Plain and simple.
We are more than just a demographic identity, but the online dating world is still a place where people openly express their racist beliefs and disguise them, again, as preference. If you’re not interested in a person because of their ethnicity, it’s your prerogative not to engage in conversation. There is no need to regress to the 1950’s and have “Whites Only. No Blacks or Asians” anywhere on your profile.
7. Unsolicited Dick Pics
Unless your penis is beautiful or your name is Ryan Gosling, no one wants to see your dick right away, dude. Did you know I can literally just google the word ‘penis’ and get millions of results? There are so many dick pics out there that yours isn’t special. Take my advice and keep your dick pics to yourself and until the right moment calls for them. It’s much better when someone actually wants to give you the attention.
8. Asking for Sex Right Away
Similar to my previous point. Just remember this: we don’t know anything about you yet. Take a moment to absorb this. It’s not the same as meeting you in real life, exchanging more than just a few words, feeling your vibe, and standing in front of your actual body and face to confirm that you’re the same guy from your profile picture. As the author of this post, I’d like to think I take sex lightly, but even I think there are certainly still certain guidelines, or courtesies, that should not be overseen. How is asking for sex right away via Grindr any different from cat-calling on the street and expecting that person to give you their love and attention? It’s not.
9. Concealing Relevant Health Information
Ok so this is just another form of lying, buy I think it’s relevant enough to get its own bullet point. Concealing relevant health information is dangerous. I’m not necessarily talking about dietary choices and lifestyle here. What concerns me are STD’s, subsTance abuse, and pre-existing conditions that may put me in harmful situations. I believe everyone has the right to live a healthy and fulfilled sexual life regardless of any medical conditions, but honesty is very important here. Embrace yourself and be upfront!
10. Flaking Out
This is the ultimate worst thing a person can do to another horny/lonely person. Because we know how hard it is to actually get two prejudiced gay guys to accept each other and just go for it, flaking out at the last minute should be punished with 10 years of solitude and a chastity belt. This doesn’t mean that you’re obligated to sleep with someone you aren’t interested in. This just means that if you already agreed to meet someone at a specific place and time, the least you can do is show up. Ask the right questions beforehand, make sure you see all the pictures you need to see, and decide if you actually want to go for this before you give false hope to somebody. It’s another human being you’re dealing with, and they’re having an internal struggle too. It’s okay to excuse yourself and leave if the vibe is off, but don’t just leave people hanging.
11. Expecting Reciprocated Attention and Commitment
Don’t message me 11 times if I haven’t responded once. Just because you’re extremely confident and love yourself doesn’t meant that you’re everyone’s type. Some guys will never respond to your messages. Some guys will respond out of courtesy and “boredom” and will leave you hanging for the rest of your life. Some will go as far as asking you for ‘more pics’ only to decide that they don’t like all of your looks, which will make you feel shitty and worthless. Some guys will get uncomfortable after they cum and will never acknowledge you again. This all comes with the territory. You should never expect to find your next boyfriend or the man of your dreams on this app. Even though sometimes you might get lucky enough to make a meaningful connection, Grindr is mostly a place for hookups and not your own mobile version of “The Bachelor.” There are no cameras. There is no grand price. Focus on the getting-to-know-yourself part, and happy hooking!