Hooking up is a beautiful thing. If you get really into it, you can learn a lot about your own sexuality and personal preferences. As most of you might know, there’s like a million geosocial networking mobile apps out there that help you find potential hookups. If you really didn’t know yet, welcome to the future. Grindr, the gay Tindr, pretty much functions like cruising or speed-dating from your couch, which means that instead of actual face-to-face rejection, all you get is blocked or just no response at all. It’s cool because it requires ~*minimum*~ effort and you get full access to a user-generated catalog of all the guys that are DTF in the surrounding areas. It sucks because boys are dumb and boys sometimes say and do dumb boy stuff like:

DISCLAIMER: This post is not autobiographical. I do not claim to have experienced all of the things that exist in gay dating. But guess what? I have gay friends, I read the news, and I consume pop culture. I can make connections because I am a writer and I am creative. You do not know me, and I do not know you. So, don’t take this personal and just have fun reading. Feel free to comment below!

1. Hide Behind a Headless Torso

For some odd reason, roughly 30% of the guys who actually have a photo on their profile only post mirror shots of their headless torsos. Why would you want to be judged based solely on your mid-region? Like, I’m not even sure what that’s supposed to say about you. I’m glad you work out, dude, but does this have to be the first message you send out into the universe? I want to see your face.

2. Not Post a Picture at All

This one is even more aggravating. Not having a photo at all is dumb. Bye! You know people are going to ask to see a photo. You know eventually you’ll have to show your face. Why are you making it extra hard to access this information?

3. Lie

I guess there’s no good way to tell when someone is lying on Grindr or being genuine, but there are just so many things a guy could lie to you about. Posting an old picture is a form of lying if you recently gained weight or got a face tattoo. Claiming to be ‘hung’ and then not being hung at all is like the worst lie. Not really knowing for sure when was the last time you got tested is, like, super scary. Did you know some people don’t even know their status at all? Do you ever think about that? Some guys lie about being fully versatile, but when it comes down to it they’re actually super bottoms. Some people claim to be models and artists. Lies. Lies. LIES!

4. Masc4Masc

Listen, we’re all here looking for the same thing here- dick. You probably have one too, bro, and that’s okay. Homosexuality is a very common thing in animal biology, and there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Your penis will not disappear if you happen to like other dudes, bro. Promise! Guys who plaster the “masc” label on their profile are probably super insecure. They cannot surround themselves with guys who are effeminate, or who aren’t the archetypal Adonis, because “they’re just not into the scene.” Those men probably never took a gender studies class in college. They’ve got a long way to go in their journey of enlightenment, so it’s better to stay away.

5. Hating on Fems, Fats and Freaks

If you have a problem with queerness and the diversity of our community, you need to get the fuck out of this universe. Hateful speech does not advance our society, and using it to filter out ‘the unwanted’ is absolutely repulsive. It’s not a preference, it’s hate. Plain and simple.


We are more than just a demographic identity, but the online dating world is still a place where people openly express their racist beliefs and disguise them, again, as preference. If you’re not interested in a person because of their ethnicity, it’s your prerogative not to engage in conversation. There is no need to regress to the 1950’s and have “Whites Only. No Blacks or Asians” anywhere on your profile.

7. Unsolicited Dick Pics

Unless your penis is beautiful or your name is Ryan Gosling, no one wants to see your dick right away, dude. Did you know I can literally just google the word ‘penis’ and get millions of results? There are so many dick pics out there that yours isn’t special. Take my advice and keep your dick pics to yourself and until the right moment calls for them. It’s much better when someone actually wants to give you the attention.

8. Asking for Sex Right Away

Similar to my previous point. Just remember this: we don’t know anything about you yet. Take a moment to absorb this. It’s not the same as meeting you in real life, exchanging more than just a few words, feeling your vibe, and standing in front of your actual body and face to confirm that you’re the same guy from your profile picture. As the author of this post, I’d like to think I take sex lightly, but even I think there are certainly still certain guidelines, or courtesies, that should not be overseen. How is asking for sex right away via Grindr any different from cat-calling on the street and expecting that person to give you their love and attention? It’s not.

9. Concealing Relevant Health Information

Ok so this is just another form of lying, buy I think it’s relevant enough to get its own bullet point. Concealing relevant health information is dangerous. I’m not necessarily talking about dietary choices and lifestyle here. What concerns me are STD’s, subsTance abuse, and pre-existing conditions that may put me in harmful situations. I believe everyone has the right to live a healthy and fulfilled sexual life regardless of any medical conditions, but honesty is very important here. Embrace yourself and be upfront!

10. Flaking Out

This is the ultimate worst thing a person can do to another horny/lonely person. Because we know how hard it is to actually get two prejudiced gay guys to accept each other and just go for it, flaking out at the last minute should be punished with 10 years of solitude and a chastity belt. This doesn’t mean that you’re obligated to sleep with someone you aren’t interested in. This just means that if you already agreed to meet someone at a specific place and time, the least you can do is show up. Ask the right questions beforehand, make sure you see all the pictures you need to see, and decide if you actually want to go for this before you give false hope to somebody. It’s another human being you’re dealing with, and they’re having an internal struggle too. It’s okay to excuse yourself and leave if the vibe is off, but don’t just leave people hanging.

11. Expecting Reciprocated Attention and Commitment

Don’t message me 11 times if I haven’t responded once. Just because you’re extremely confident and love yourself doesn’t meant that you’re everyone’s type. Some guys will never respond to your messages. Some guys will respond out of courtesy and “boredom” and will leave you hanging for the rest of your life. Some will go as far as asking you for ‘more pics’ only to decide that they don’t like all of your looks, which will make you feel shitty and worthless. Some guys will get uncomfortable after they cum and will never acknowledge you again. This all comes with the territory. You should never expect to find your next boyfriend or the man of your dreams on this app. Even though sometimes you might get lucky enough to make a meaningful connection, Grindr is mostly a place for hookups and not your own mobile version of “The Bachelor.” There are no cameras. There is no grand price. Focus on the getting-to-know-yourself part, and happy hooking!


  1. 3. What the hell do you expect out of people who seek out anonymous sex online? If you’re going to be sleazy, expect that people you meet will also be sleazy. They aren’t going to be honest with you about their sexual history. Why should they? You’re a meaningless hook up.

    5-6: It IS a sexual preference. They should not be obligated to feel attraction to all ethnicity just because you define not doing so as racist. What’s stopping someone from saying you’re sexist for not finding women sexually arousing? What about 60+ year old men (Ageism)?

    Just because an overly sensitive society constructs political correct expectations doesn’t mean someone is horrible for failing to meet those expectations.

    I can only imagine that this “annoying thing” is derived from hurt feelings (from the author) more than an actual annoying behavior. Some people don’t get turned on by your dark skin, get over it. You can’t force someone to be attracted to your skin color by threatening to call them bigots.

    1. Thank you, anon! I appreciate your response. While some men engage in anonymous online sex more often than others, sometimes these apps are genuinely used to make lasting connections, friendships and possibly relationships. No one is expecting a list of previous partners, but for those of us who seek substance, honesty might actually mean something.

      My annoyance, once again, comes from the idea the gay community used to be an all-inclusive and all-loving segment of society that celebrated diversity, and now we’re basically at the extreme opposite end. No one is asking you (the reader) to feel physically attracted to everyone. This point just calls out those men who are not helping us advance as a social group with their free speech. But I’m sure you know lots about my personal life.

      1. You’re contracting yourself , didn’t you conclude with this isn’t a mobile version of the bachelor , and that the likelihood of finding the one is little to none and called it a hookup site which of course all remains true but you say not to say anything about your preferences , it spares you both the time and effort if you know the other person just isn’t into it and it has to do with their prejudices and not who you are as a person

      2. I see your point. I was mostly referring to the type of language that is often used that may come across as offensive. Thanks for sharing!

  2. I’ve encountered a majority of these annoyances, but you learn to tolerate them and look on the bright side. Those guys have displayed themselves as no good, so you can just block and move on (probably the only thing I like about Grindr). However, the thing that really grinds my gears is the flaking out that can come in many forms.

    I remember that I was talking to a rather interesting person and we had great conversation, a few laughs, and he was close enough to my area where we could meet and hang out. However, we didn’t make plans to work out and instead I focused on getting to know him like he seemed to about me. Then suddenly it’s complete silence on his end and I have no idea what I did wrong.

    Sometimes it could be the app itself, but when that happens, it can be discouraging. Also, while the app is used for hookups, there ARE people that use it for other reasons like relationships and friendship and they are decent to talk to. You just have to journey through all filth to find class. But a majority of that class that some people search for resides in people who aren’t in their preference, so it goes to show that people can’t always get what they want unless they broaden their mindset.

    1. Thanks, J! That was really well said. I guess some people choose to ‘be polite’ and carry on with a conversation they don’t want to have, then the other half is just simply rude. I haven’t given up. I made an actual friend through there and this app can come in handy for people that move to a new city. It’s really not too bad

      You’re right though, it definitely takes time and effort to find someone worthwhile. I guess it’s not so different from real life after all.

  3. Number 2 is essential to those of us that can LEGALLY BE FIRED and no consequence discriminated against/harassed at work for being gay. Its not that I care that YOU that I want sex with know who the hell I am, but we see no need to set ourselves up to be discriminated against or harassed or terminated by doing something as freaking obvious as posting a face pic on a gay dating app. Frankly it would be stupid on our part to set ourselves up to fail like that. Why do people that live in more accepting areas refuse to understand that its often financial suicide to be out in this extremely bigoted country.?

  4. “Listen, we’re all here looking for the same thing here- dick. You probably have one too, bro, and that’s okay. Homosexuality is a very common thing in animal biology, and there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Your penis will not disappear if you happen to like other dudes, bro. Promise!”

    I don’t know if you intentionally meant to strawman our position or if you are really so easily offended by other peoples’ preferences it has clouded your judgement to the point that you geniunely think wanting a masculine man means being ashamed of liking dick. In any case, your rant is nonsense.

    How the hell does “I like men a lot. So much so that I want them to act as manly as possible” translate in your head that we somehow are ashamed of liking men? That is asinine. If you ask me, that is about as gay as it gets and I love it. Actually, I love men. I LOVE the fuck out of men. And I am not attracted to effeminate men because they act like…women. This is not politically correct to say, but my sexual preferences are not conditional to your feelings.

    “Guys who plaster the “masc” label on their profile are probably super insecure.”

    How come everytime fems talks about masculine guys they accuse us of being insecure? I am far from insecure. I just prefer men who hold themselves in a strong, laid back, confident manner and do not speak in high octaves, sound like women from Valley Girl and flap their limp wrists around. This tradition of effeminate gay men accusing masculine men of being insecure really seems to be an igniminous feat of psychological projection, since it is you guys who get offended by us not finding you attractive in the first place.

    “They cannot surround themselves with guys who are effeminate, or who aren’t the archetypal Adonis, because “they’re just not into the scene.””

    Who? I personally don’t mind befriending effeminate gay men at all. I just don’t find them to be a turn on, sexually or romantically. I see them as the same as my female friends. I still love them, of course. :) I also hate the gay scene, but just because a man is effeminate doesn’t mean he is in the scene. So I don’t see why a guy would say that as a justification for not befriending fems, in the first place.

    “Those men probably haven’t studied greek mythology…”

    Greeky mythology is relevant to reality, how, exactly?

    “…or taken a gender studies class in their lives.”

    Hahaha! Gender studies?! Well, your hypersensitive and pretentious personality makes loads of sense now. You are social justice warrior who actually thinks you learn anything of value in gender studies. You do realize gender studies isn’t actually a real field of “study”, right? It is neo-liberal ideological training course that is meant to push a Marxist narrative about gender. Nothing in GS is based on critical analyses or emperical scientific evidence.

    “They’ve got a long way to go in their journey of enlightenment, so it’s better to stay away.”

    I am glad you think you know so much about my existential progress because I am a fag who is actually attracted to maleness.

    “If you have a problem with queerness and the diversity of our community, you need to get the fuck out of this universe.”

    Not being attracted to something doesn’t mean I have a problem with it.

    “Hateful speech is not protected under the First Amendment…”

    Hold shit. Did you seriously just suggest saying “No fats, no fems.” is hate speech?

    “…and using it to filter out ‘the unwanted’ is absolutely repulsive. It’s not a preference, it’s hate.””

    Actually, yes, it is a preference. And no, your emotional hypersensitivity does not change reality. Not being attracted to certain character traits is not hate. Nor do you get to take away other peoples’ constitutional rights to protect your tedious and arbitrary feelings, you damn authoritarian fascist.

    1. “men who hold themselves in a strong, laid back, confident manner and do not speak in high octaves”

      Being strong, laid back and confident is not exclusive to males. Nothing is exclusive to any gender because gender is a societal construct. You are assuming that I am an effeminate guy who is butt hurt (no pun intended) for being rejected by guys like you. Let me remind you that we do not know each other at all. We may have different definitions for feminine and masculine, but this post was written from an omnipresent point of view to start a discussion about things I find problematic within the gay community. I don’t know anything about you, so I will not make any judgements of you. However, I don’t think someone who is “far form insecure” would take the time to deconstruct a paragraph I wrote 3 years ago when my understanding of the gay dating world was in a different place. You were, like, very thorough. Thank you for keeping the dialogue alive!

  5. Hateful speech is not protected under the first amendment? Uhm, yes it is, its actually one of the big ones it protects, you don’t need a law to protect speech everyone agrees with.

  6. This article is old as fuck and I doubt anyone will read my comment but whatever. The main issue with grindr and people flaking is that IT’S ALWAYS THE GUY YOU’RE MOST INTERESTED IN THAT IS JUST WASTING YOUR TIME. I’m as guilty as anyone of prioritizing or actively searching for someone more attractive but I have the decency to at least let someone know if I decided I wasn’t interested anymore. At that point they can get mad but at least i had the respect to be honest with them. In a perfect world people would be honest and direct and it’s sad the world isn’t that way because no one wants to be lonely or have their feelings hurt yet they’re constantly doing it to others without any sense of empathy.
    My second but equal issue is that I really do believe in some way everyone on here is looking for love. They’re hoping this guy coming over for sex wants something more. I end up having the conversation all the time of “I’d love to do that again sometime”, partly because the first guy I ever started seeing regularly I met on grindr and he fell in love with me and I’m always secretly hoping for that to happen again.
    I know people will say “you’re not gonna find the love of your life on grindr” but let’s be real; any guy that’s on any other app is also on grindr, and the same people on grindr are the same ones you’ll see at the bars or meetups.

  7. Forgot to add this on my last post. And not only is it always the guys you’re most interested that flake, you have to sit there knowing that they don’t waste everyone’s time. And so the quesiton becomes why is it my time being wasted? The unfortunate thing is that it’s impossible to know someone’s intentions a priori, so in order to find out you have to risk it to know for sure. I’ve slept with a lot of guys (this is not something I brag about, as I’d rather be in something monogamous and committed) and all I can say is that generally if someone is truly interested they’re over at your place (or you at theirs) within an hour. They won’t spend several days conversing and wanting to trade pics and coming back 12 hours later with excuses like “sorry I fell asleep”. Yeah you’re so tired but have plenty of time to be hanging with friends or for me to be able to see other profiles right next to you that are also conveniently 2500 feet away. The accuracy of grindr’s location probably bruises more egos than anything else, because you get to see who you were ignored in favor of. But I digress. Another thing I noticed is that it always seems to be guys 1-5 miles away who waste the most time. You’ll also get the guys 30+ miles away that “would love to hang out but you’re so far”. I know there are people who have less sexual experience than me and I damn sure know there are people who have more (I’m currently 50feet away from a guy who has had 2-3 people over a day for the last week. I’m in a hotel btw). I feel the behavior is always the same and the only difference is how lucky you are with circumstance and the genetic lottery. Which is the most sad part that attraction and willingness to commmit to plans is largely due to things outside your control.

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