The Wes Anderson Version of Star Wars: Episode VII

There are only a few things in life that truly make any sense at all. Jayonce, lace and leather, and canceling Gossip Girl after season 6 are some of those things. But because this is life, and because there is obviously some evil agency out there conspiring against me, there are also certain things in the universe that don’t make any sense at all, like Kimye, bacon ice cream, and wedge sneakers. But what happens when something that makes sense mixes with something that doesn’t? For example, Jayonce and Kimye. I vaguely remember learning about something called cognitive dissonance in The Most Basic Yet Mandatory Psychology Class for Dumb Non-Majors, Non-Scientists and Non-Beliebers. Don’t take me too seriously, though, because I spent most of my time in that class untagging myself from drunken candid photos taken the previous night. CD (for short) is something that happens when you take your opinion too seriously and a different, equally strong, opinion shows up to ruin your happy world. This JUST happened to me!

I’m getting somewhere, I promise. This is about Wes Anderson, remember? When I found out Star Wars was getting episodes 7-infinity green-lit by Mickey, I had this sick feeling in my stomach that was also a consequence of eating an entire DiGiorno the night before. “This can’t be good” I thought, referring to the pizza. I didn’t really know how to feel about the whole Star Wars thing because as much as I like light-sabers and Hayden Christensen, I’m just not that passionate about conserving the divinity of the original installments. Who cares? Really. Nobody is forcing anyone to watch the new episodes. I mean, Mean Girls exists and no one watched it. I guess we can just collectively agree that it didn’t happen, right? It’s not going to happen! Here is one more thing… I had no opinion about Conan O’Brien except that I think it’s funny that he actually, and almost literally, has a pot of gold sitting at the end of the rainbow that is his ridiculously privileged life. And then he did something funny. Watch this:

This video definitely goes on the “things that make sense” category. I’m going to hashtag #thingsdatmakescents and become Twitter famous. I would watch this fake version of La Guerra de las Galaxias and force feed it to my the future generations. I would try to protect the divinity of a Wes Anderson-directed trilogy as much as I would protect my virginity if I had it all over again. Just kidding. I’m really just fluffing this paragraph because I really only have one final thought, and I didn’t want the conclusion to look short and mediocre. This is me literally thinking out loud, except I’m typing instead of verbalizing. How does that work? Am I really thinking out loud or thinking in type? What-e’er. Thank you, Conan O’Brian, for temporarily healing the paper cut that Disney’s acquisition of Lucasfilm left on my cocaine heart. Thank you, friends who intern at Conan, for not telling me about this and making me find out via the Internet after all this time. I see how it is!

I feel like spending actual money on Moonrise Kingdom now. Why can’t I just get these things for free? Ugh, life makes no sense.


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