As a young teenager I decided to try out acting. The director of the drama department at school was a scum sucking road whore and bona fide life-ruiner though, so I only got to play bigger and better roles in community theater. We were doing Aladdin one year, and I got to play Aladdin- bitch! Seven years later (holy shit), I still bask in the glorious memories of my fifteen-year-old self parading around as Prince Ali, signing autographs and taking pictures with random children. I loved that play. I wish I was Aladdin in real life! Now that I’m an adult with needs and feelings and thoughts, I’ve come to realize why I liked being Aladdin so much. I was in love with him. Here is a list of reasons why I think Aladdin would be the best boyfriend.
1. He has a monkey pet that wears the cutest little vest. I can’t remember exactly when hot guys and cute animals started making great combos. It’s one thing to look at some skinny bitch in yoga pants and a self-ripped Slayer t-shirt (not knowing who Slayer really is) walking her maltipoo and being like “that’s cute,” but if I a hot guy, gay or straight, goes out with his dog (bonus points if it’s small) all cock-lovers go APE SHIT. “Aw, look at that guy and his dog. Isn’t that the most adorable thing ever? Awwwww” Yeah, I know you’ve thought something similar, at some point. Don’t lie. Anyway, Aladdin has a monkey. The furry little thing is sarcastic, cuddly and really good at stealing food. You could even get away with taking a few apples and being like “Sorry, my monkey took it!” Plus, he doesn’t have to follow Regina George’s rules about wearing vests, which leads me to my next point.
2. I saw Aladdin wearing harem pants and a vest, so I bought harem pants and a vest. True story. I actually own two pairs of harem pants, and I love them because they’re comfortable as fuh. They also make quite a statement, so I can’t really wear them all the time like
Aladdin wears his I’d wear the same pair of black jeans. I mean I guess I feel kinda bad that Aladdin doesn’t have more outfits to change into, but he obviously doesn’t need much to start fashion trends for men. He’s a minimalist, and resourcefulness is hot. At the end of the day Aladdin’s fashion sense doesn’t really matter though because, um, have you seen his torso under that vest? I mean, come on. Also, once he becomes a prince he wears like a royal outfit and gets a gay version of the genie as a stylist. I’d say that’s a pretty good deal. By the way…
3. He has a genie in a bottle, baby, he knows how to rub you in the right way, honey. This is definitely the kind of song that is open to interpretation, but at this particular moment in time I’m pretty much convinced that X-tina’s genie in a bottle is a metaphor for a hand party. Well, let me tell you one thing. Aladdin has a genie in a
bottlelamp, which means that a. yes, he knows how to rub you in the right way honey and b. unlimited wishes! I know, I know. Pop culture says it’s three wishes. But remember when (SPOILER ALERT) Aladdin uses his “last wish” to wish for the genie’s freedom at the end of the movie? Yeah. Aladdin is actually nice and not a selfish asshole, and therefore the three wishes rule does not apply to him. The genie is his friend. Think about that!
4. HE WANTS TO SHOW YOU THE WORLD. He doesn’t care if you’re a self-centered spoiled bitch who complains about having way too many guys begging for your attention. (Note: If I was the sultan, Princess Jasmin’s ass would have been sent to an American public school. There are real life problems there.) So if you’ve ever wanted to go to every corner of the world in one night for basically zero dollars and end up on a Chinese rooftop looking at legit Chinese fireworks, then you should probably date Aladdin. Even if at the end of the night the whole romantic trip is just ‘not enough’ for you and you make him feel bad for being a happy man in harem pants and a vest, there is a 100% chance he is still going to like you.
5. He is ethnically ambiguous. I know Disney wants us to believe that Aladdin is Middle Eastern, but who the fuck do they think they are fooling? Where is his beard and turban? Why is he such a smooth twink? Why does he speak perfect English? He’s supposed to be a hairy man with an accent! Is that insensitive to say? I don’t know, but he is definitely not what they want us to believe. He is something else. I personally feel very intrigued by Aladdin’s ethnic ambiguity. He has like a perfect tan, luscious jet black hair and the biggest brown eyes. Am seriously thinking all these thoughts right now? Yes, I am. Ugh. Ethnic ambiguity is so next.