Some of us on Twitter like to measure our self-worth and cultural relevance by the number of people that follow us. Some of us have public profiles, giving the Library of Congress and the entire World Wide Web access to the intricacies of our minds. Others (like me) prefer to keep our tweets private, sharing our precious thoughts with only a few lucky individuals. Nothing feels more rewarding than denying some bitch you hate from following you. But lets say you decide to accept their request just so s/he can see just how badass your life really is. You send passive-aggressive tweets to each other and kind of get a kick out of it. Your friends “favorite” all your mildly rude and clever remarks, which validates you, and you figure no real harm can be done via Twitter. One late night, however, you get really drunk and eat an entire burger at 3 am because you just broke up with your lover and feel sad and then you accidentally live tweet about the entire thing. Your life is over because you just gave that bitch some ammo. You can delete the tweet, but what if someone already screen-shot it? S/he’s going to talk shit about you and you know it. Wait, your lover (or ex-lover) follows your tweets too? And their BFF? And the official accounts of all your school’s extracurricular activities? You’ve never really thought about the people that follow you, but hunty this is a disaster! You need to lose some followers fast! Here is one way to do it in just 10 easy steps:
Step 1 – Give up drinking and tweeting
You and I both know it’s kind of impossible to entirely give up drinking and/or tweeting separately, but as a human race we should really try to stop mixing them together. A drunken tweet could be far more dangerous than good ole drinking and driving. And if you really want to lose some followers fast, you should announce to the world that you are going sober. It always works! No one really cares about the person who stays in all the time or calls everyone who does drink “crazy” and “immature.” 90% of people won’t even believe your claims and some will soon start to unfollow you. The more sober you seem, the more followers you’re likely to lose.
Step 2 – Find your soul, or God
The most logical thing to do since you quit drinking will be to find peace from within, aka find God whoever God is to you. You became like a really evolved being since you stopped poisoning your body with those ugly chemicals. You are in Nirvana and really wish Kurt Cobain had given sobriety a try (too soon?). You want everyone to find his or her spirituality and move to Pandora with you. So why not tweet about it? Tell everyone about your inner light, about prayer and doing good deeds. Did you start doing yoga? Tell us about it everyday. You’ll lose followers almost as quickly as you’ll lose your mind. If you find Jesus’ God, you’re guaranteed to lose a follower at a rate of one person per bible verse.
Step 3 – Tweet things that are not your own
Since you are now super mega evolved, the twitter accounts you used to “follow” now seem mundane and unevolved. You start following things like @dailydalailama and @cosmicguru or @ilovejesus and constantly retweet all their wise and post-earth and jesus-y quotes. Your tweets are a lot more spiritual and nothing you say really makes sense. Your parents would probably think you’re high on peyote and you probably are. After all, weed is not as harmful as drinking, they say. Post some articles. Better yet, quote your Holy book. Link us to that “are you a fourth dimensional being?” quiz. Stop thinking for yourself and let your soul speak through you. You’ll lose followers faster than you can spell namaste.
Step 4 – Announce your celibacy
It’s been like three days since you had any alcohol clouding your mind and feel hashtag betterthanever. Your days of partying and drunkenly making out are over because your body is a temple and you finally Googled the word “self-respect.” You can control your carnal urges and no phallus or cavernous hole will make you stray from the path. Being a slut is shameful, but being celibate apparently isn’t, right? Make sure you tweet about it so it’s official. Some people only follow you because they want to sleep with you, and they’ll be gone the second they read this.
Step 5 – Increase your Tweet frequency x 10
You’ve been waking up at 9 or 10 am ever since you started this new regimen, so by 11 you’re already kind of bored, exercised and well fed. You’re probably also at work not really working. You didn’t go out last night with your friends because all they want to do is drink. You can’t really get high until the end of the day or you’ll get sleepy, and no one is hitting on you since you went celibate. You’re bored and you’re boring, so you decide to bore other people by tweeting mundane things like: “driving to work” “just got to work” “working #ugh” “can’t wait to get out” “2 more hours!” “am I really the only one closing?” “quitting soon” “jk, I need money for weed.” Watch what happens.
Step 6 – Find something to hate
It can be anything: the 1%, oil, the economy, religion, an ethnic group, policy, Mitt Romney, Lady Gaga, tampon girl, etc. It doesn’t matter what it is. Find something you hate and verbalize it. Be very vocal. Don’t be afraid to use words like loathe and despise. If you can’t find something to hate, find a person you don’t like and find out what they love. Oh, s/he likes One Direction? Talk shit about them even though you secretly love Zayn Malik. Oh, s/he voted republican? Make sure you call all republicans “ignorant bigots.” Oh, s/he is going to Coachella? Go and manually block that person. When you send out “negative vibes” people are going to unfollow you like they get paid for it.
Step 7 – Change your profile picture to something inanimate or a cartoon character, or get a name that is not your legal name, or both…
Once upon a time your Twitter had a picture of yourself and your handle was @yourname69, but now your profile picture is Jessica Rabbit and your name has changed to @firecrotch666. If people didn’t already know that was you, they’d think it was a troll account or spam or an unstable person. Either way, most folks will feel a little reluctant to your new assumed online persona and will soon start to unfollow the shit out of you. What kind of a weirdo would voice their opinions through a cartoon character? Who would ever think of that? Gross. Stop being so weird and just get off Twitter if you can’t be your “true self!”
Step 8 – Relapse
It’s the circle of life. Ebb and flow. What goes around and comes around. One day you’ll quit drinking and the other day you’ll drink an entire bottle of wine by yourself. One day you’ll want to tweet #dark and obscure thoughts and the other day you’ll have more positive feelings than five Buddhas. You can’t escape yourself and your human weakness to relapse and get back into old habits. You’re likely to drink again at this point, favorite something you shouldn’t favorite, or suggest that you need another warm body behind you. That’s okay. You are not bipolar, but people will probably think you are. You’ll keep losing followers, but hopefully those who are really your friends are not judging you from a distance. They’re probably getting a kick out of the whole thing.
Step 9 – Unfollow some bitches
There is a wonderful online service that keeps track of all the people that unfollow you called Qwitter. You should activate it before you take Step 1. You’ll find out exactly whom you’re supposed to go back and unfollow yourself at the end of this quest. You need to be a little thick-skinned for this, though – sometimes you think some people are your friends when they’re really not. While you’re at it, go through the rest of your list and unfollow all the people that are going through steps 1-8, that bitch, your ex, and all the official institutions that should never discover your partying habits. If those people already have a Qwitter, they’ll know what to do next.
Step 10 – Start feeling a lot of anxiety
That purge felt so good, right? No. It did not. You used to have like almost three hundred followers and now you’re down to half. You no longer feel socially relevant and your self-esteem suffers from it. What if you say something really funny and not enough people read it? What if you end up running into a celebrity and no one is there to see your twitpic? What if that bitch’s ex ends up asking you to hook up and now s/he no longer follows you? You need to figure out what the hell you were thinking when you went on that cleanse and start over. There are plenty of other birds on that twee, you say. I mean, what?
Extra Step – Tell us about your amazing workout
I consider this one an extra step because you really have to go out of your way to piss someone off doing this. We all understand that exercising is kind of important and most of us could benefit from practicing this thing a few times a week or something. We get it. We all had to take P.E. We all probably have gym memberships we don’t use. We know about The Biggest Loser, Honey Boo Boo and America’s Next Top Model. We’ve all thrown up a little bit. We think Marilyn Monroe was hot as a size 14, but we also think that being a size 0 can take you a long way. But do we really need to constantly hear about your workout routine? So you ran. Big deal. Are you missing a leg? Because I’m unimpressed. So you did Cross Fit. Was it too much to handle? You’re the first person to say that ever. So you’re sweaty. Because we really want to keep track of your bodily functions. Can we just like keep our fitness goals and achievements to ourselves?